Today Was Hard (or how I struggle with my own impatience)

Wake, shower, drive, wait in line, wait some more, someone telling me I stood in line for nothing for the past hour, drive, walk, wait, talk, wait some more…

I think you get the picture.

This is how my morning sounded like. It kind of went on until slightly past noon.

“So what?” You may wonder. Indeed, doesn’t sound much. In fact, I should be able to deal with this easily, just letting go of all of the unwanted feelings and rise above the low-orbiting, heavy weights that push my mood to the ground. Did I mention it also rained?

But here’s my story: I’m currently in the middle of a lot of change. The sort of change one cannot just move on easily. Again, it’s nothing dire or ominous, but then again I’ve had my fair share of dire and ominous in life. Just the sort of stuff that drives all the anxiety back to the places of power it should have never grasped in the first place.

I’m bound. Bound to situations, bound to passages, bound to wait. And I’m shit with waiting. Feeling weak and powerless is definitely something I can only appreciate on a song.

Anxiety is a real foe. One that destroys not only within but also everything we touch and interact with. Albeit having the theoretical knowledge to overcome pretty much all of the curve balls I am thrown, sometimes it’s just too fucking hard. Defenses go down and one pretty much lets everything else happens at a pace that is impossible to cope with. And this is a huge challenge, at least for me.

Fortunately after getting home and calming down for a bit, over the puff of some black cavendish tobacco on one of my treasured pipes and a glass of deep red wine, I can now look back at everything with some distance. Mind me, everything is still as cloudy as before, but at the time of this writing I am able to look at it from a different angle. Also, writing about it also helps.

Home is where the heart is, people say. I am glad to have brought mine to the ‘here and now’, at least for for the present moment.



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